Monday, January 10, 2011

Make a list for yourself, and stick to it.

So today i sat down and decided I'd make myself a list, and not a list of materialistic things i want, but a list of things I want to do, not before I die, just right now, in my present day. I want to feel alive and I want to be out, in places I don't usually go to.
And I'm always going to keep adding to this list and I'm always going to be checking things off.
Make a list, and do this with me :)

-visit a big aquarium and embrace all the life around me.
-go to a water park and ride down a water slide.
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-get back into photography, which i use to adore and be good at.
-have a picnic in a meadow or on a mountain.
-take a trip to another town and eat at a thai restaurant.
-visit the beach, it used to be so close to me where I lived before.
-go to a go-kart track and feel the wind.
-let myself feel, and not hold back. (my biggest goal of all)

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on this journey of mine..

Take a hot bubble bath once in awhile. You'll find yourself.
What a corny line, yet, so true. It's like meditation, which I've really been needing to try. I've been so lost lately and no where to turn and no one to turn to, I've had to find myself, all over again. Or maybe for the first time? I feel as if our whole purpose in life is just this big journey we face; we have to find out who we are as a person and once we do, it's harmony, possession, passion, maybe not always perfect, precise sailing, but in its self it is. My whole thought process and "finding myself" derived from taking hot baths more often, like 4-5 times a week. And trust me it really is calming and soothing. It gives my brain a chance to wander, and oh does it ever.

Have you ever just layed back in your bathtub, closed your eyes, and just smiled or giggled? For no simple reason at all just for the fact of doing it. It lets me express myself in other ways and it's this amazing feeling and i'm not trying to preach to you or anything but try it sometime. It can completely make you think in an entirely different way. I discovered this, maybe you can call it a place of calm simplicity or my own little sanctuary, where i can always go, no matter what, and know that i'm safe and peaceful here (and we all are different so of course we're going to have different spots, for me it's my bathtub) and just float away in your thoughts, and of course, in a bad mood, you're going to have bad thoughts and that's perfectly okay, they eventually lead to good ones. Even if it took me a million baths to realize this. Or to discover that this is all in align to me deciding what i want, who i am, and that i'm perfectly okay the way i am, and that i'm beautiful. And as cliché as it sounds, i believe what i'm saying and i'm finally starting to have faith in my self and the obstacles i will face in perfecting my personality and any negative thoughts waiting to burn me to the ground.

When i go away to my sanctuary of safety, i smile, i giggle, i even act poise and perfect. I think of myself in movies, where the girl is laying in bed and the man of her dreams has just watched her calmly wake up and she is beautiful and she sees him watching her and she smiles and softly closes her eyes, and i think of that girl as being me. And i'm passionate in my own ways and i'm lustful and i'm perfect. And in this place of conformity, instead of dealing with what i hate and what bothers me the most, i think about what i want, and where i want to go, and what type of guy I'm interested in (since whenever someone asks "what's your type?" i never have a clue what to answer with). I feel as if this is all bringing me back to life, because for the past 2 years, god i've been completely lost. I've suffered so much, and i've let myself down entirely way too much. I tell myself i have no beliefs, no goals, no dreams, and no personality. And i'm basically sick of it. It's not worth it, to dwell on basically nothing. I've had it all and i've thrown so much away. I won't let anyone near me and i've lost so many. BUT i have decided for myself to be passionate, caring and devious. And that's just what i'm going to achieve.

This blog isn't to preach, or tell some amazing life story that i think is just soo important; it's more of an adventure, it's a story that i'm telling myself, it's goals that i'm achieving internally. It's me, finding myself, being myself, loving myself.

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a game of chance

Isn't that what we're all playing, just a game? When i think about my crummy life sometimes i contemplate about quotes and ideas while i lay in a warm bath which my body craves quite often. A perfect way to express every emotion and feeling i have in the world is through words and maybe, just maybe.. one person in the world will read it and i'll be kept completely anonymous, it sounds marvelous, no.. it sounds devious. I feel as if iIve been given something amazing and it's all mine to take and control.

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